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What to eat when…
Choosing a restaurant is rarely a question about food. It is a question about what kind of evening it is, who is at the table, and how much attention you have left. These are written for the situation rather than the cuisine.
When you can't decide
- What to do when you can't decide where to eat — Nobody is short of restaurants.
- What to eat when nothing sounds good — This is a different problem from not being hungry.
- What to eat when you're stressed — Stress does something specific to eating out: it removes your tolerance for friction.
- What to eat when you've had a bad day — There is a version of this where you order something enormous, eat a third of it, and feel worse.
How you're feeling
- What to eat when you're hungover — A hangover does not make you hungry so much as it makes you suggestible.
- What to eat when you have a cold — The specific problem with eating while congested is that most of what you call taste is smell, and yours has gone.
- What to eat after a workout — The post-gym window gets talked about as a supplement problem.
- What to eat when it's too hot to eat — Appetite drops in heat, and the default response is a salad, which is why so many hot-weather meals are unsatisfying.
- What to eat on a cold rainy night — On a bad-weather night the restaurant calculation changes shape.
Who you're with
- Where to eat on a first date — A first date restaurant has one job that has almost nothing to do with the food: it has to make a conversation between two strangers easier than it would otherwise be.
- Where to eat when you're meeting the parents — You are not picking a restaurant you would enjoy.
- Where to eat with picky eaters — The usual solution is to give up and go somewhere with a menu so broad it is good at nothing.
- Where to eat with a toddler — A restaurant that works with a toddler is not one that tolerates children.
- Where to eat when half the group is vegetarian — The usual compromise is a restaurant that is good for the meat eaters and survivable for everyone else, with one vegetarian main that has been on the menu unchanged for six years.
- Where to eat with a big group — Above about six people, choosing a restaurant stops being a question of taste and becomes a logistics problem.
- Where to take friends visiting from out of town — There is a trap here, and almost everyone falls into it: you take visitors to the famous place, which you do not actually like, because it is what the city is known for.
- Where to eat when you're eating alone — Eating alone in public carries a stigma that almost nobody actually feels once they are doing it.
Work
- Where to take the team for lunch — A team lunch has a hard constraint most social meals do not: it has to end.
- Where to take a client to dinner — The restaurant is a tool here.
- What to eat at an interview lunch — You are being assessed for the entire meal, including the parts that feel like a break from being assessed.
Occasions
- Where to go for a birthday dinner — A birthday dinner has to feel different from a normal dinner, which is a requirement about atmosphere rather than about food.
- Where to eat when you're celebrating something — The mistake is assuming that celebrating means spending more.
Time and money
- Where to eat late at night — After about eleven the question stops being what you want and becomes what exists.
- Where to eat after a late shift — If you finish at eleven or later, you are eating in a city that has mostly stopped serving, and the standard advice about restaurants is written for people whose evening starts when yours ends..
- Where to eat when you're broke — Cheap food and bad food overlap much less than the price filters suggest.
- What to eat during finals week — Finals week eating fails in a predictable way.
- Where to eat on a Sunday night — Sunday evening has a specific and under-discussed problem: it is the night restaurants close.
On the move
- Where to eat on a road trip — Every interstate exit has the same six buildings.
- Where to eat before a flight — Airport food is expensive and mediocre for structural reasons that have nothing to do with the operators — a captive audience, brutal rents, and a kitchen built around holding food rather than cooking it.
- What to eat on moving day — Moving day food has a set of constraints no other meal has: no kitchen, no table, possibly no plates, several people who have been doing manual work for six hours, and a strict requirement that nobody needs a nap afterwards..
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